Why Your Business is My Business; and How Business is Business So Don’t Take it Personally

 The following is the Intro Chapter to Senior Business Major Daniel Spielman’s Newest Self Help Business Know-How Book

 

Question: Why is truth, truth? “Because it’s fact,” you might say, “because I’m not lying,” others might add. Wrong. Trick question. Rules number 4-10 of business: there is no such thing as a question, unless you’re being tricked.

Hello. My name is Daniel Spielman, I’m a graduating business student from the A.B. Freeman School of Business here at Tulane University, and over my intensive four years at this fine program I’ve become a damn good damn business man, dammit. It’s about due time I think about my legacy, hence the book. Folks, I’m here to tell you – Business is like beating a dead horse; don’t forget to bring your golf clubs.

Listen kiddo, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about business it’s that I’ve learned multiple things about business. And let me tell you: if you’re not givin’ the business, you’re gettin’ it. Chew on that. Boom.

Boom boom boom.

After reading this book, you’ll be a business expert as well. I cover everything, from Chapter 1: Boom; How to Boom your Business into Booming, to  Chapter 6: You Are What You Dress, and Eating to Impress, even to Chapter 9: “Money” and Other Vague Terms in Quotations.

This book isn’t just comprehensive, it’s all knowing. There’s only one way to teach an idea: with a colon right before it. Teaching business reminds me of a quick anecdote about a disheveled freshman giving away free cupcakes in the quad. I know, how ironic for a business lesson to be had at the hands of someone so clearly awful at business!

As the, what I can only assume was a dirty communist, was giving away free cupcakes I had a thought: he could probably be making way more money if he were selling those cupcakes. Selling. Buying. I’m speaking in riddles, I know. But if there’s one thing I know about business, it’s that riddles are confusing. So let me clarify.

You see, business is like a tree. If you don’t water it, it will die, and if it dies you can probably sell out for large sums of money whilst screwing over all of your partners and employees.

We start this book, as all worth-while books begin: With a pun.

So, friends, drop the casual and lets a-dress business.


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