Tulane President Michael Fitts’s location during Tropical Storm Nate has been called into question after reports from a number of different sources have asserted that he was not at home with his family but rather spending his time in Sharp Hall.
“We were told to keep an eye out for him, yeah,” said Allied Officer Scott Brown, a known guru of Sharp security matters. “Administration was freaking out. They asked us fifteen times over the phone if we were prepared to open the door for him in case of rain. ‘He hates closing his umbrella outside,’ they kept saying, ‘please make sure he doesn’t get wet, he gets uncomfortable when he’s damp.’ I don’t really know what ended up happening, I split to City Diner when Modern Family came on at 9.”
The thought-provoking question is not whether Fitts did or did not stay overnight in Sharp during Nate, but rather why he would have gone in the first place. Public Health upperclassmen were quick to note that due to the suspicious absence of recent disease outbreaks in the building, it was entirely possible that Fitts was heading to Sharp to drop off a Stall Street Journal issue celebrating the dorm’s first week free of new herpes cases (Congrats!). Others have suggested that he may have been participating in the Facebook event “Hold Back Hurricane Nate with Your Bare, Pruny Hands.”
Fitts has worked tirelessly these past few months to change the drinking culture on Tulane’s campus, sending two emails about the matter. Perhaps he was planning to go to Sharp to get an inside look at where and why Tulanians drink in their own habitat. The view from the ivory Gibson tower is known for its distortions of civic and private life at Tulane. Recent incidents of arson, property damage, and general havoc in the building have caused concern among faculty and students alike. Alex Klezmer, a film major and a Sharp 3 occupant, agreed. “Pretty sure he was gonna Undercover Boss us.”
One Sharp Hall RA on an undisclosed floor revealed that yes, his team had prepared a room for him, and adhered as closely as possible to his request to make it look “y’know, natural.” They hung up a Pulp Fiction poster.
Whatever his motives, uncertainty about whether or not Fitts spent the night in Sharp remains. Conspiracy theorists note that the suspicious fire alarm set off at 8 PM would have let him enter the building discreetly with the other students. Maybe the question is not “did Fitts hide in Sharp,” but rather, “is Fitts still in Sharp?”