Tulane’s Turkey is Cooked: A Thanksgiving Preview

Editor’s Note: A typical preview usually comes out the day before a game. But some of our writers (looking at you Jimbo) decided they would rather “eat food” with their “family” while writing the article. So we are doing the best with what we got.
It certainly wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without the three TU’s. You know what I’m talking about: TUlsa, TUlane, and TUrkey. Today’s matchup pits two TU toting rivals in a game as American as apple or pecan pie. Really any pie, I love pie. Janice will you pass me some pie? Anyone who remembers last year’s game knows that they are playing for blood. Except instead of blood, it’s gravy. I know I remember last year’s game — people running up and down the sideline screaming like my Uncle during Thanksgiving when someone claims Obama was actually born in America. Here is your preview:
The Golden Hurricane has centered their offense on two golden boys of their own: Lou and Clark Jawea. How golden are they? 24 karat baby! To put that into perspective, the average family consumes that many carrots on Thanksgiving. The Jaweas have been smashing everything from potatoes to records in their sophomore year. If Tulane hopes to win the game, it is in the defense’s best interest to sack a Jawea. Speaking of defenses, Tulsa’s is Plymouth Rock-solid and will most certainly be casseroling over everything Tulane throws their way. In fact, Tulsa is so confident in their abilities that they have been playing their 3rd string-bean special teams the past four games.
Things are looking pilgrim for the 3-8 Green Wave. Plagued by injuries from ankles rolls, dinner rolls, and broken wishbones, they have been getting cranberried by the competition. The Green Wave’s future bowl eligibility is questionable, just like my future as made evident by my mother’s incessant nagging in front of my whole family. Needless today, things have been less than gravy for all involved. However, when asked, Junior Receiver Will Tompkins countered, “I think that I yam a good player and that I yam playing for a great team. We have been practicing and pumpkin’ iron like crazy for this game. The coaching staff has done a great cob preparing us — basting, marinating, steaming, baking, braising. You name it, they’ve done it.” Unfortunately, however, The Vignette’s Advanced Statistical Sexy Sporty Algorithm™ has yielded only one result for the game: Their turkey is cooked with a side of squash.
Final Thoughts:
Unlike my stomach currently, the seats at Yulman have been under-stuffed all sesaon, and this will continue today as most of the stuffing is in the fridge for sandwiches tomorrow. However, don’t let that stop you from coming out today as there is a cornucopia of reasons to attend the game. Tulane’s a capella group “Green Bean Envy” will be performing with the “Hot Potato Brass Band” at half time, followed by a Riptide Freedom Roast. For you gamblers out there, Vegas has set the over/under at 450 degrees Fahrenheit for 2.5-3 hours. In conclusion, make sure you support our ….…sdfvfw9099999er2mmmmarshmallowsasd34890uq8hqgf8herfre.
Hey gang! Editor here again. Unfortunately Jimbo fell asleep writing this article due to a triptophane induced food coma. So check back in later this week when he finally wakes up, cleans the sweet potatoes off his body, and finishes the article.

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