Tulane Students in no Danger of Infection by Brain-Eating Amoeba: “It’s the Alcohol”

Tulane doctors announced yesterday, September 22, the Naegleria fowleri amoeba presents absolutely no risk to Tulane students due to their constant alcohol intake.

The brain-eating amoeba was found earlier this week in the suburban St. Bernard drinking water supply.

“This amoeba stands absolutely no chance against the amount of alcohol in an average Tulane student’s body at any given time,” stated Carl Carcaffian, epidemiologist at Tulane hospital. “The brain-eating amoeba is only deadly if infected water goes directly up the nasal canal. As far as we can tell, the only liquid going up any student’s nasal canal is either through shotgunned beer or the new fad created by Tulane students with sinusitis who still want to go out: alcohol lavage.”

The amoeba is usually fatal within 1-12 days and only three people are believed to have survived the infection. “It’s some scary shit,” reported one Tulane sophomore. “We still have bottled water stocked up from the boil-water advisories, but just to be safe, we have also been drinking heavily since three days ago…for our health. ”

“We are happy to see Tulane students taking precautionary measures against this amoeba,” said professor Hank McHaggerty of Tulane’s Public Health department. “Our research shows that approximately 90% of Tulane students drink regularly, and around 46% have had a drink in the last hour. In fact, researchers have reported that when exposed to the ‘Hullabaloo’ chant, Naegleria fowleri will shrivel up and die on the spot.”

McHaggerty did tell the Vignette not to trust those numbers though, as the researchers were drinking while taking the polling.

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