Tulane Student Already Tired After Stairs To Reily

In what started as a valiant effort to be healthy one goddamn time, Tulane student Gabe Pollack is already tired after only walking up the stairs to Reily.

After a seemingly endless walk all the way to the on-campus Reily Sports Center, student Pollack looked at the staircase, took one deep sigh, and then made one continuous groan as he hiked up the staircase to the doors of the favorite student gym.

“I came here to exercise, not walk up some shitty stairs” Gabe was seen mumbling to himself as he flung his arms around, zig-zagging up the staircase through three step bursts, “If I wanted to walk up some fucking stairs I’d live in Monroe or something.”

At the top of the staircase Pollack was seen heavily panting, bent over sideways with his hand on his knees and sweat dripping down his face.

“I’ve never seen anyone drink an entire water bottle so quickly” Reports Freddy Williams, an eye witness to the event. “Its just not hard to tell his Boot to Reily ratio (BTR) is like 10 to 1.”

After standing at the top of the staircase for a few minutes with hands on hips looking seemingly into blank space, Pollack turned around, went strait back to his dorm and immediately went back to bed.

Incidents like this are becoming more and more frequent at Tulane University, to the point where a movement has been started to remodel Riley and bring it 20 feet closer to the ground. “It’s just too fucking high,” Gabe Pollack says, “way too fucking high.”


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