Tulane Statue Living With Testicular Cancer

In a sad statement that rocked the public art world, the statue commonly known as “The Ball Statue” erected right outside of Norman Mayer hall, announced that it has been seeking treatment for advanced phase testicular cancer yesterday, March 4.

“I want to thank my friends for helping me through these difficult times” announced Ball Statue. “I want to thank especially Michael Grambling of the maintenance department for noticing a strange lump while power washing me before Mardi Gras.” Ball Statue continued: “seeing as I am a disembodied pair of testicles, I really don’t have any way to check myself regularly for testicular cancer. I don’t know where I would be if someone didn’t notice. Michael’s power washings are refreshing and strangely erotic, but they also saved my life.”

Ball Statue has been undergoing radiation at Tulane hospital since the growth was discovered. It is unclear whether doctors will have to resort to surgery.

“I feel bad for him,” said the Red Stairs to Nowhere statue, “his entire existence is pretty much ‘being a giant pair of metal testicles’ and now they’re saying that they might have to amputate half of him? That’s rough.”

Ball Statue reports that he is trying to stay in good spirits: “I would say that Lance Armstrong is an inspiration, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about me.” Ball Statue then clarified to the reporter that steroids are pointless because he is “nothing but a pair of balls, forged from metal.”

Student Government will be taking donations outside of the LBC to ease the cost of treatment and Bruff is expected to start a campaign similar to “Cookies for Breast Cancer” called “Ten Thousand Boudin Balls for Testicular Cancer.”

 


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