Tulane Slow to Recover After Catastrophic Loss

On January 14th, 2017, esteemed Tulane celebrity, Cow Cat, was found dead, signaling a difficult start to the semester. Two weeks later, the very fabric of the Tulane Community continues to be torn apart by grief and uncertainty in the wake of Cow Cat’s passing.

“I always saw Cow Cat running into bushes while I ran to my 8 AM in Richardson,” Kennedy Quist, a grieving student, said. “And now I all I have to say hi to are the ugly cat toys that bitch Harley Dale left at his memorial. As if her 3 Cow Cat instas weren’t already extra enough.

In addition to social strains, Cow Cat’s passing has caused an utter upheaval in the A-quad political atmosphere. During the past few years, Cow Cat’s reign ensured relative stability, but that could be changing, according to renowned Tulane political ecologist Gilbert Green. “The absence of Cow Cat has resulted in a power vacuum. He was what we experts call a VIP- Very Important Pussy,” Green told the Vignette on Tuesday. “Many cats who felt like they were oppressed under the Cow Cat regime feel that they have been liberated by this event.”

A neighborhood purrtrol has already been established by A-quad cats seeking to retain control over their territory in response to recent incursions by cats from other parts of campus and even Loyola. A source, who has chosen to remain anonymous due to concerns for their own safety, told the Vignette that popular Weatherhead Hall kitty-in-residence Boots may be eyeing a bid for the vacated leadership position.

Meanwhile, President Fitts has been frantically attempting to fill the void left by Cow Cat.

“It’s kind of sad,” junior Brad Evans told the Vignette, walking past Norman Mayer on his way to an Irish-Bulgarian Aerial Tapdancing class in Audubon Park. “He just sits on that bench and tries to get people to pet him. Sometimes he meows, which gets kind of weird.”

In the days since the tragedy, President Fitts has tried everything to assuage the student body’s aching hearts, from setting loose a Cat Cow – a bizarre looking cow with a feline tail, ears, and whiskers – to dressing up as a cat himself.

“I appreciate the effort, but I kind of just want to get to class without being mooed at,” said freshman Sally Henkins.

In addition to temporal chaos, Cow Cat’s passing has spurred deeper questions about the cat afterlife. Esmerelda Polakoff, an expert in animal divination, provided us with some answers. “The idea that most animals go to ‘a farm upstate’ is incredibly misleading,” Esmerelda told the Vignette while polishing her crystal balls. “It’s much more likely that he will end up in purrgatory for some time before reaching his final destination.”

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