Tulane Skateboarder Forgets How To Walk

Reports say that sophomore Marty Brent has not attended a single class due to the fact his skateboard broke in two last Sunday, October 14, while trying  a “totally gnarly” kick flip off of the benches in front of the LBC.

“I don’t know what happened,” questioned Brent, “All I know is that was in the air, doing the flip, then everything went black. I woke up in my bed and haven’t been able to move since.”

Brent’s roommate says he seemingly has no injuries, and appears “the exact same as usual.”

“I don’t understand.” Yelled the frustrated Brent through teary eyes, “I just nonchalantly stand there like I normally do, but I’m not moving. Something is seriously wrong.”

Brent said he first noticed something wrong when he wasn’t in his Anthropology class Monday morning at 10 am.

“I did everything I normally do. I put on my backwards hat, didn’t tie my shoes, listened to my dub step version of kick push by Lupe Fiasco… I even grew out my goatee. I still wasn’t moving though.”

Brent’s roommate has been bringing food to him this past week, “I thought he was going to die. He’s just been urinating in jars.”

When asked whether or not he would be able to get food this week Brent replied, “Food? I just can’t miss ULTRA… that would be disastrous.”

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