Tulane President Selection to Be Done America’s Got Talent Style

Today, September 18, after much deliberation and consideration, the officials in charge of naming the new Tulane president have decided to do the search “America’s Got Talent Style.”

“Ooooo! This is so exciiiittttiinggg!!” commented Ingrid Telatovich, the Tulane official in charge of naming the next president of the university. “I love AGT! I have always been for this solution, but it did take some convincing. Do you think Nick Cannon will come? Ohhh I do hope Nick Cannon comes!”

Tulane officials have been in a deadlock these past couple weeks trying to find the means of picking the next President. Popular belief was that the next president would be chosen through the format of Dancing With The Stars, or that Japanese game show where people had to contort their bodies to get through human shaped holes in upcoming walls. The vote shifted though, as someone on the board falsely announced that Howie Mandel was “such a nice Jewish boy” when in reality he is just a bald Canadian.

Other board members are less than pleased with the decision.

“This is absurd,” stated irked board member Godfried Gunther, through his thick mustache while patting down his amateur comb-over with sausage fingers, “It’s only obvious that the next president needs something more then a talent, something deeper, an intuition for good tuition. Guts. If our next president can’t take on the Aggro Crag he can’t teach kids jack shit. Do you have it? Scott Cowen did.”

The judges for the competition are said to be made of famous Tulane Alumni, such as Newt Gingrich, Matt Forte, Jerry Springer, and Mark Wahlberg, who isn’t an alumni but as Telatovich put it, “did that one movie in New Orleans, yah know?”


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