Sophomore Harrison Webster was overjoyed this morning when his parents left Tulane and flew back to Long Island, as this marked the end of a very long weekend of being constantly sexiled by them.
“It was really annoying,” Webster reported of the habits of Diane, 49, and Herb, 54, who reportedly sexiled their son no less than four times over the course of 2k17 Parents’ Weekend. “We’d come back from dinner, they’d sprint up the stairs to beat me to my room, and I’d find a tie on the doorknob. I’d go into the other half of my suite to steal some kombucha, and both doors to my room would be locked. I kept having to hang out in the common room. We’ve got a Gamecube in there so I wasn’t too bored but it’s really annoying to know your parents are having more sex in your bed than you’ve had in your whole life.”
Other residents of Soho 4 corroborated Webster’s story. “Every night, my parents dropped me back off at my dorm after buying me Hand Grenades at Pat O’s and Harrison would just be playing Mario Kart alone in the common room. His parents were just constantly going at it,” noted Spencer McGoldstein. Added McGoldstein’s roommate, Charlie Maxwell Griffin William Nicholas Brandon Jacob Adam Tulane Johnson, “At least Mr. W brought up Soho 4’s body count.”
Mr. and Mrs. Webster, married 26 years this December, could not be reached for comment because Diane wouldn’t spring for the Southwest in-flight wifi. But according to close family friends, sexiling their son “really brought back the spark” for the Websters. Richard Burton, Esq., the couple’s best friend and next-door neighbor, told The Vignette that Herb had called him applauding how the long twin dorm beds were “really great for his back” and noting how “there are a ton of free condom dispensers around campus to ignore.”
At press time, Harrison was stuck out in the common room because his roommate’s parents are apparently staying until Wednesday and also needed the room.