Tulane Parents Facebook Group Achieves Gossip Nirvana

Look how goddamn happy this fucking mom isIt was revealed last week that members of the Tulane Parents Facebook group have finally achieved what scientists call “Gossip Nirvana.” While posing as a middle-aged woman named Carole, an undercover Vignette reporter discovered that the parents have finally figured out a way to keep track of every child’s every detail and have been living in a state of perpetual bliss ever since.

 

The Facebook group serves as a database with state-of-the-art methods for monitoring each student’s grades, friends, caloric intake, bowel movements, piercings, and sex lives. “Knowledge frees you,” said Mary McArdle. “Now that I know every detail of my little Sandra’s life, I believe that I am become one with all of humanity. I have defeated menopause and I will be reborn, transcending the never-ending cycle of life and death.”

 

“Many seemingly unrevealing communications with your child can actually yield mounds of viable data,” beamed mother Rita Schwartz as she calibrated a Turing Machine to decode a text from her son while achieving imperturbable stillness of mind after the fires of desire.

 

“For instance, if your daughter posts a picture of her and her sorority sisters at a date party, chances are there are at least a few girls itching their crotches in the background. I mean, they called it “chlamidterms” for a reason. Boom: now you know who’s got crabs. Run the facial recognition, track the IP addresses of their snatch-scratching dates, and suddenly you have a TMI transmission pathway that will deliver you into what Hindus call moksha.”

 

Schwartz was unable to be reached for further comment, as she was busy glowing as radiantly as the Buddha himself, comfortably couched in a vortex of ‘likes,’ freed from all suffering, and open to all the universe’s possibilities.
Sterling Fitzfire, the president of the group, was able to achieve such a high state of illumination after creating an interactive map locating every single ill-advised fleur de lis tattoo that he was able to control time and attend the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” tour in 1991.


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Look how goddamn happy this fucking mom is
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