Tulane Men Not Romantic, Generally Impressionist or Post-Modern

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According to a recent study, a mere 2.3% of Tulane men are Romantic, with the majority falling into Renaissance, Cubism, Post-Modern, Impressionism and Pop. The findings came as an unsurprising disappointment to the many singles on campus seeking an alternative to the ordered world of Enlightenment thought and an appreciation for the unpredictability of nature.

 

The results of the study resonated with many. Taylor Lift, who spearheaded the study, reportedly dated a man who claimed, “He couldn’t split the fee for the Uber because he’s Baroque.”

 

Many other students have also come forward with similar experiences since the report’s publication.

 

Carli, sophomore, spent her entire freshman year dating Rick, before she was enlightened by Art History Survey II. “I’d ask him for weed but he was like, ‘this is not a pipe.’ WTF of course it’s a pipe.” Her first hook-up of the year was equally unromantic. “I knew Andy was a mistake as soon as we got back to his dorm, which he called ‘The Factory.’ Now he won’t stop sending me pics of his banana.”

Andy and Carli

“Men here just don’t know how to communicate- they express themselves so abstractly,” vented junior CoCo LaPlace. “Whenever I call Vinny he’s like, ‘I can’t hear you’ but then he gets mad at me for the dumbest reasons and threatens to cut off his other ear.”

 

Paula D., SWUG, expanded her Tinder age range to 47, hoping to find some true romantics, but to no avail. Of her former beau Marcel, a middle-aged Tulane alumnus, she said “He always wants me to call him Dada. Whenever we go out he signs the urinal, like, R. Dogg or something. I broke things off when I slept over and he drew a mustache on me.”

 

Sarah Levine summed it up best when she explained, “If Tulane men were a work of art, they’d be called ‘Entitled (Asshole), 2016.”

Marcel and Paula


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Andy and Carli
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Marcel and Paula
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