Tulane Celebrates Columbus Day, Colonizes Loyola

On Columbus day, October 8th, an expedition of Tulane students set out to find the mythical and mysterious “Downtown area,” but instead found the Loyola campus, or the “New World” as they are referring to it.

“I’m not going to say I’m a hero,” declared student conquistador Ryan Evans. “We wanted to discover the uncharted parts of the city. We tried going west before, and north and south, but we never tried east. That’s where we met the locals.”

“The locals were very nice,” said Arnold Davidson, a crew member on the journey. “First contact was incredible. The indigenous people seemed to have their own society. As time went on we started sharing customs. They gave us a Bible and we showed them how to pick up a girl at the Boot. It was beautiful really.”

“Seriously, what the fuck?” commented Loyola native Christopher Rudolph. “I just don’t get it. We literally have been here forever. I literally had dinner with my Tulane friend at Bruff last week. Oh, and thanks for those infested blankets. Now everybody has herpes.”

Tulane officials have already sent caravans of settlers to populate the newly found campus. Their diaries are to be published soon.

“The exciting part is the land,” continued Evans. “We think it could be a really cool place to put a giant new football stadium.”

When asked about where the local Loyola students would go, Tulane settlers shrugged and said, “I don’t know, we could just confine them to a dorm or something. I mean, somebody has to run Luff.”

 


One Comment to “Tulane Celebrates Columbus Day, Colonizes Loyola”

  1. tulanekid says:

    the headline to this was enough to have me crack up. quality work.

Leave a Reply