Tulane Campus Continues to Ban Tobacco, Cocaine Still A.O.K

After last year’s big news that Tulane University would be turning into a Tobacco Free Campus, reports indicate that Tulane plans on upholding their fight against tobacco, but cocaine is still just “part of the culture.”

“My cousin has had a long battle with smoking hookah, so this is a cause that is especially close to my heart,” commented pleased junior Elizabeth Ehrlich “Smoking is a bad habit, it endangers not just yourself but everyone around you as well. At least when my friend Sarah and I are doing blow in the handicap stall of whatever club, bar, or administrative building we are in, the handicapped person we barged in on can still finish their shit in peace.”

Not everyone though, is such a fan of the new tobacco laws on campus. Sophomore Phelps resident Jacob Barwell even went so far as to start a new student group protesting the decision.

“Listen, smoking is a fundamental right,” Barwell preached from his half balcony-half hallway podium outside his Phelps door. “Smoking is like vomiting behind a dumpster, or signing up for a mail order bride service as a bride to combat your crippling loneliness—you only do it when you’re drunk. Since I spend 90% of the time I’m drunk on campus, it would follow that I should be able to smoke while I wait and see if Igor shows interest in my foreginbrides.com profile.”

When asked about whether they could see a campus wide ban on cocaine coming anytime soon, Tulane officials merely patted us on that back, laughed, and said “Only at Tulane, Only in New Orleans.”


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