Tulane Bait Bikes Now Feature Ejector Seats

In an effort to maintain awareness about bike theft on campus, the Tulane University Police Department has revealed that the bait bikes are “tricked out” with ejector seats. “We’re really excited about these seats,” said officer Franklina Weiss, head of campus safety. “TUPD usually sees Tulane students at their worst: throwing parties, smoking weed in dorms that obviously don’t have the right kind of ventilation, public urination, knife fights, the list goes on. You can imagine that the force is very excited to be starting a program that sends thieving little good-for-nothings flying through space.”

The bait bike program started last year as a ways to discourage bike theft on campus. TUPD originally installed GPS devices on the bikes, but according to a TUPD insider, the program “boring as shit.” The new bikes are capable of throwing an average-sized Tulane student at least 100 feet in the air. “We put a bunch of them outside of first-year dorms because how cool would it be to see one of those tiny freshmen girls on the top of Monroe,” said officer Weiss, barely able to contain her glee.

“My gold Lexus was all the way in Diboll,” reported Phelps resident Courtney Glibman. “I didn’t feel like walking all the way over so, yeah, I stole a bike. Sue me.” Glibman remembers waking up in the Aron quad and is not being sued on account of her family’s excellent lawyers.

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