Tulane Agrees to BSU’s Demands to Meet Original 1968 Demands, Propelling the School into the 1970’s

On Wednesday, Tulane’s Black Student Union and Students Organizing Against Racism held a well-attended rally that called for unity and solidarity amid overt, subtle, and institutional racism. One of BSU’s demands was for Mike “Michael” Fitts to finally respond to the African American Congress of Tulane’s “Order of Discourse,” a list of demands made in 1968 to address systemic racism.

Other Tulane officials made sure to note that they’re not going to get ‘too crazy.’

“Sure we’ll address the minimum demands made by students who grew up in segregation times almost 50 years ago, but jeez how much more do you want?” said the very same administrator who agreed with a decision not to allow Sodexo workers to take Tulane shuttles to their jobs. “We eventually came to an agreement to reach 1974-ish racial progress, just as long as they aren’t too taxing.”

“It’s just difficult to recruit black students,” said one administrator while living in a city that’s 60% black. “We just prefer to spend the money where it’s needed, like hosting admissions events at the most expensive hotels in Manhattan. I mean, the national average for African American students at American colleges is around 15%, that’s pretty close to our average of 2% isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty bummed out by all this,” said the ghost of an enslaved woman who worked on the plantation that Tulane was built upon.

“I don’t see why these organizers can’t be more easygoing,” said an administrator that ok’d a tailgating tent for Delta Kappa Epsilon, a fraternity whose charter was revoked 31 years ago for, among other things, hosting blackface parades. “I also don’t think it’s a problem that we have more campus cats than black undergraduate students in the School of Public Health” (the number is 23 vs. 18.)

“In the end, a lot of these changes are just going to be too expensive,” said President Fitts, lovingly stroking his 75 million dollar stadium.

Updated 1pm: The administration has reviewed the 1968 demands again and has decided to go with another townhall on diversity instead, hoping that students will forget about the whole thing until 2068.

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