Following the release of the Tulane Sexual Climate Survey at the Wave of Change event hosted by President Michael “Crying Mike” Fitts, Tulane administrators decided to stop staring out the window, put down their daqs and buckle up to launch an investigation regarding possible factors that may have led to these horrific results. The Survey results showed incredibly high numbers of Tulane students experiencing sexual assault, harassment and rape, and after careful assessment, Tulane’s pasty white research team can only attribute these results to one clear cause: Byblos. The number of Byblos locations on Tulane’s campus suffered a dramatic 100% decrease from 2016 to 2018. In the same time span, the number of times Tulane executives actually had to face the disgusting reality of the school’s sexual assault problem increased all the way from 0 to 1. The administration research team also believes the whopping 1 to 0 drop in campus Byblos locations may have precipitated other attitudes on campus, including discontentment and lack of respect for other humans.