Tulane 100% Positive that Loud Noise Could Only Be Caused by North Korean Bombers

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Tensions are high on McAlister Avenue. In addition to North Korea’s recent missile test, the increased threat from North Korea has been punctuated by the President’s recent state visits in Asia, including a blunder involving an awkward encounter between Trump and TMZ in the DMZ. Tulane is rightly worried about the susceptibility of the campus to missile strikes, particularly due to any of the heavily disputed areas between Greenbaum and The Boot Store.

A poll of students and staff revealed that five out of five members of the Tulane community were certain that the loud scary noises that came from the sky were North Korean bombers, and the numbers don’t lie. That’s a whole 100% of people that are certain the North Koreans have been ready to blow us to shit since at least last semester.

The get some perspective on the issue, the Vignette sat down with the head of campus security, Kim Jungle, to get the scoop.

 

Vignette: So, Kim, why are the scary sky booms North Korean bombers?

Kim Jungle: Have you heard that noise? It is absolutely North Korean bombers.

V: What, exactly, should a person do when they hear the terrifying sound?

KJ: I’m going to be honest with you and let you know that they are always there. Hate to burst your bubble, but there is no escaping them. I’ve done everything. I live in terror every day, and the horrific tickle up my spine every time I hear them approach haunts me. I haven’t slept in days.

V: Any tips on how to cope?

KJ: When you can, forget the fear. Enjoy small things in life. Stay away from structurally unsound buildings, like Stern, buildings with dangerously low railings, like Phelps and Irby, and Sharp, because Sharp boys never text back.

 

The ROTC refused to comment.

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