Top Five Thanksgiving Fun Facts to Break the Tension When Uncle Bob Says Something Racist Again

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  1. On the first Thanksgiving they didn’t eat turkey. Instead the starving pilgrims gnawed on the skulls of a raccoon family that had drowned in a local pond.
  2. Thanksgiving has now become the fourth most popular Thursday holiday in November, just recently passing Dranksgiving (RIP Kappa Sig). It still ranks below Danksgiving, Election Day, and Matthew McConaughey’s Birthday Bonanza—Alright alright alright!
  3. Most people don’t know how America chooses the turkey for our fun “Turkey Pardoning” tradition. It is actually an all-year process. In January, federal officials randomly select one male and one female turkey from 12 separate farms. Then they put all 24 turkey-contestants in a battle arena and let them fight it out to the death Hunger Games-style while throwing challenges at them like “Raining Ovens” and “Gravy Tsunami.” The last remaining turkey gets to be pardoned!
  4. The amount of turkey consumed on Thanksgiving last year in America was 736 million pounds! That is the exact weight of Kim Jong-Un’s left thigh.
  5. Few people know that only 1% of American citizens actually eat turkey on Thanksgiving. Most of us don’t read the fine print that the special birds we pick out are not actually turkeys but rather exceptionally obese chickens.

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