Thousands of Students Fall Victim to Netflix Epidemic Ravaging Tulane

Earlier this week, a health report released by TheWell entitled Living Among Us: The Netflix Affliction revealed that thousands of physically and mentally dependent Netflix addicts currently inhabit Tulane’s campus. The deadly scourge has no boundaries, and the report warns that most likely everyone you know is an addict.

Karen Usbon, Tulane’s Chief of Sensationalism, paused from a mean and uneducated Facebook tirade on the harmful effects of magnets to offer some insight. “It’s truly an actual genuine authentic real-life horror story,” says Usbon. “These poor souls try this Netflix once and are instantly hooked on the immediate gratification they somehow get from reclining motionless for hours as the Netflix disintegrates their pupils.”

Usbon also mentioned that addicts often meet up at secret locations to share passwords and enjoy the “experience” together. Known colloquially as “Stream Shacks,” these filthy dorms, dingy study rooms, and shoddy lecture halls serve as streaming sanctuaries for society’s degenerates. Withdrawal symptoms include boredom, having nothing to talk about, and inexplicably staring at a blank wall for hours at a time.

In an effort to fight the massive outbreak of addiction cases, a ragtag team of “mom hackers” took down Wahlburgers, The Muppets Take Manhattan, and everything Harold and Kumar, but with little to no effect on the Netflix’s demand.

Seeking more information on this heinous plague, Vignette reporters visited the living room of Matthew McKneery, a Tulane junior and well-known “Net-head,” who exuberantly recalled his many “dope” experiences with the Netflix.

“Oh, it’s the shit, man. Have you seen Storage Wars?” said McKneery while visibly struggling to recover from a Netflix included coma that left him incapacitated on his futon and under a blanket of empty Doritos bags for 3 days. “I could watch that shit all day. Actually, I do watch that shit all day. Although, recently I’ve been looking for more of a thrill, so I’ve started hanging around Loyola where they’re experimenting with…HBO Go.”

Claiming he had to go because he left his laundry in the oven, McKneery quickly walked out the front door of his own home while scratching his neck and mumbling something about “just one more episode.”

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