This Month’s Water Contamination Brought to You by Dasani

Following another New Orleans water scare, Tulane students campus-wide are now praising the arrival of a shining savior: Dasani bottled water.

“I’ll never forget when I saw that beautiful Dasani truck drive up McAlister,” says Sophomore Billy Thompson. “Everyone immediately put down their empty rainwater buckets, fell to their knees, and said in unison, “I love water!”

The fun-filled afternoon kicked off when Dasani representatives poured out of the truck like a glorious waterfall of salvation, unraveled a banner reading “Water You Waiting For?,” and began tossing water to those who yelled Dasani the loudest.

The delivery provided students with over 2,000 water bottles and McAlister Road with over 2,000 feet of slip-n-slide, every inch of it covered with Dasani water.

“When Tulanians hear the words “precautionary boil water advisory,” I want them to immediately reach for a cold bottle of delicious Dasani water,” said Coca-Cola CEO Muhtar Kent as he flipped a switch that turned off all of New Orleans’ water treatment plants. “We just want the entire NOLA community to know we are here for them in their time of need. We even made the caps ‘Green Wave Green’ and enhanced the water with minerals so everyone at Tulane will like it.”

When asked why he turned off the treatment plants, Kent laughed, scoffed, and called security.

“I don’t really see what the big deal is, I’m H2 Overjoyed!” said freshman Thomas Dasani before making a phone call, smirking, and saying, “all is going according to plan, Father.”

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