The Zap


Why Your Business Is My Business; and How Business is Business, So Don’t Take It Personally

 The following is the Intro Chapter to Senior Business Major Daniel Spielman’s Newest Self Help Business Know-How Book

 

Question: Why is truth, truth? “Because it’s fact,” you might say, “because I’m not lying,” others might add. Wrong. Trick question. Rules number 4-10 of business: there is no such thing as a question, unless you’re being tricked.

Hello. My name is Daniel Spielman, I’m a graduating business student from the A.B. Freeman School of Business here at Tulane University, and over my intensive four years at this fine program I’ve become a damn good damn business man, dammit. It’s about due time I think about my legacy, hence the book. Folks, I’m here to tell you – Business is like beating a dead horse; don’t forget to bring your golf clubs.

Listen kiddo, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about business it’s that I’ve learned multiple things about business. And let me tell you: if you’re not givin’ the business, you’re gettin’ it. Chew on that. Boom.

Boom boom boom.

After reading this book, you’ll be a business expert as well. I cover everything, from Chapter 1: Boom; How to Boom your Business into Booming, to  Chapter 6: You Are What You Dress, and Eating to Impress, even to Chapter 9: “Money” and Other Vague Terms in Quotations.

This book isn’t just comprehensive, it’s all knowing. There’s only one way to teach an idea: with a colon right before it. Teaching business reminds me of a quick anecdote about a disheveled freshman giving away free cupcakes in the quad. I know, how ironic for a business lesson to be had at the hands of someone so clearly awful at business!

As the, what I can only assume was a dirty communist, was giving away free cupcakes I had a thought: he could probably be making way more money if he were selling those cupcakes. Selling. Buying. I’m speaking in riddles, I know. But if there’s one thing I know about business, it’s that riddles are confusing. So let me clarify.

You see, Business is like a tree. If you don’t water it, it will die, and if it dies you can probably sell out for large sums of money whilst screwing over all of your partners and employees.

We start this books, as all worth-while books begin: With a pun.

So, friends, drop the casual and lets a-dress business.

 

Six Sign You Go To Tulane!

Have you ever wondered, “Am I a Tulane student?” or, “Do I really belong at Tulane?” or, “Why didn’t dad ever come home from the grocery store?” If so, then this list will definitely answer those questions! These things are unique to Tulane students and Tulane students only – NO outsiders allowed, LOL!

1. You have eaten at the dining hall before. Dining hall food, am I right? UGH, so gross, but so very Tulane!

2.You can’t get good wifi. Us Tulane kids – and ONLY Tulane kids – would give an arm and a leg for wifi that’s a little bit faster! Seaux Tulane!

3. You have a foreign professor. Where else but Tulane would you have a foreign professor (who has probably tried really hard to get to where he/she is today and has made many sacrifices to come to this country)? Get rid of your accent, us Tulane kids have it hard enough!

4. You sometimes have to cram for exams. Where else but Tulane would you see students cramming the night before a test?!? We’re just too crazy and unique! Only at Tulane, only in New Orleans!

5. You get stressed out. Let’s face it, Tulane kids have to work really hard for everything, so we have a right to be frazzled and complain about how hard our lives are! After all, no one else anywhere has to put up with the hardship of 16 credit hours AND homework!! Work hard, play hard!

6. You are enrolled. Check online, are you enrolled as a student? Then you definitely go to Tulane! Being enrolled is such a key part of the Tulane experience that is unique to only this school!​

 

 

 Gamliel Advice 

Gamliel Advice is written by Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe, a 16th century Prague Rabbi

Dear Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe,
I met this guy on Tinder and he seems super nice, but I just can’t tell if he’s serious! Rabbi Gamliel, third of his name, son of Moshe, how do I know if I’ve got a keeper or just another hit-it-and-quit-it loser?
Signed,
Worried in Warren

Dear Worried,
You may not believe this, but I have actually been in a very similar situation. Back when my Czechoslovakian village was being attacked, during the blood libels, we didn’t know if our assailants were going to KEEP the belief that we were killing Christian babies to use their blood for baking matzah, or just hit it and quit it. What I’m trying to say is, you should build a giant clay Golem monster. This way, whether your Tinder goy is a keeper or not, your Golem will be able to protect you from people who might also want to attack your Jewish livelihood.

Dear Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe,
I’ve gone to Tulane for about 2 years now, and I just can’t help but think I’m pursuing the wrong major. I’m a physics major, but I’ve come to believe my real passion is dance. Is it too late to chase a dream, Rabbi?
Signed,
Baffled in Boggs

Mr. Boggs,
You should build a Golem! When my village was invaded by catholic radicals to check my head for horns, oh how I dreamed of a better time! We prayed and prayed, and eventually created a giant clay monster fueled by anguish and protection. The Golem became my best friend, and to this day I still miss his warm embrace. Drinking hot chocolate on my couch with the knowledge of his protection was the happiest I’ve ever been. Build a Golem, I miss my Golem… and dance, or whatever.

Dear Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe,
Help! My village has been plundered by radicals who believe we are using their children’s blood to bake food. We have been praying to Hashem, but need a more tangible solution, what should we do?
Signed,
Helpless in Nondescript Eastern-European Village

Dear Helpless,

Do not fret! There is a simple solution to your problem: therapy. CAPS is a great resource for both Tulane students and faculty and making an appointment online is easier then ever! Good luck with your issues, I’m almost sure you’ll pull through… like fifty percent sure.

 

One Comment to “The Zap”

  1. Drew Brees says:

    Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe,

    I am seriously losing my confidence on and off the field. My teammates keep making fun of me for my small feet during huddles, and now I’m scared they’re going to break into my locker and check my cup size. Can you help me in your next post?

    With much respect,
    Drew… I mean… Self Conscious

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