TEMS Closed Last Weekend, General Disappointment by Lack of Purge

In a unanimous decision during a TEMS board meeting last week, the emergency medical service voted to close last weekend in order to host the university’s first purge.

The idea was first brought up by foreign language professors who were tired of being asked how to translate TEMS when the students were describing their weekends in class.  After 48 hours without emergency services, however, the university still consists of the same population as before.

TEMS senior James DeMonica is extremely disappointed with the results of the weekend.  “82% of students that I have treated have already received our services.  If these students were eliminated last weekend, I could have been able to actually kick back and enjoy a brew on Saturday nights instead of driving incompetent children to the hospital.”  DeMonica shook his damn head after noting that students were actually taking care of each other last weekend.  “I saw some floor mates actually hold back a girl’s hair as she vomited six beers and a slice of boot pizza on the side of McAlister.  Since when do kids actually give a fuck about each other?”

Admissions staff member Steve Red had such great expectations for consequences of a purge.  “After the university eliminates all of the slackers, our average GPA will sky rocket, making our school look much more desirable for prospective students.  But since the failure of the purge, I have to resort back to bragging about Mardi Gras to our prospects.  Couldn’t these kids have just acted like normal Americans, put on animal masks and partook in this tradition as old as Thanksgiving?”

It has been confirmed that in order to encourage a successful purge for next year, President Fitts is offering up his home for next year, providing free handles of Jack, 54 kegs, and an assortment of medieval weaponry just to make things interesting.


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