Students Break Record for Most Lies per Second Over Homecoming Weekend

As parents descended upon campus this past weekend, panic rose among the student body. The seeds planted in phone calls throughout the semester bloomed into full-fledged lies. Here are their stories.

“We had just walked into Bruff and my parents were excited by the jazz band. My mom started dancing and my dad was lip syncing.” Said Jordan Spigot, sophomore, shuddering at the recent memory. “I had told her I started eating more vegetables, but pizza is a vegetable. I knew I couldn’t get my usual four slices, so I got a salad instead, with some weird fucking grain thing on top. Next thing I knew, I blurted out, ‘I always eat this healthy!’ It was word vomit worse than what Bruff does to the other end. I barely kept myself from saying that I started cooking.”

“It was like I was giving a tour on steroids.” Said Kayla Stevens, a Green Wave Ambassador and current junior. “I just let the school’s lies fuel me; I felt so alive. ‘We recycle a lot! Tulane is so diverse! Your tuition dollars are being well spent!’ I couldn’t stop myself. I mean, I had told them that I’m really happy here, but never anything like this.”

Aaron Finsky confessed that he had walked right into a trap. “We went to Hillel and I just saw the spark in my mother’s eyes when she saw all of the ‘nice Jewish girls.’ She was moving in on one so I panicked. I googled a picture of Lea Michele and said she was my girlfriend, but that she was at her sister’s Bat Mitzvah this weekend.”

Freshman Will Kenison stated, “My mom asked me what LBC stands for. I said, ‘I know what I’m doing!’”

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