Student Gives Up Hopes and Dreams: Declares Accounting Major

Junior student Robert Starch has decided to give up on his hopes and aspirations by declaring himself an accounting major, as of yesterday, September 5th.

“It was a hard decision to make,” commented Starch, through a sad smile and dead eyes. “I mean, accounting is fun, right? It’s all puzzles… and numbers… and stapling… and numbers. I’ll move to the suburbs, probably have a lot of time to watch some new ABC sitcoms… just stall until I’m allowed to join the adult mahjong league at the JCC.”

Starch, who originally wanted to major in Philosophy and Photography Arts, gave up his pursuit after his five-person family had to move into a one bedroom, half bathroom apartment with one bed to pay Tulane tuition.

“I think it hit me the other day walking around New Orleans,” continued Starch as he filed for another student loan. “I was thinking to myself who I knew that was a philosophy major. Only two came to mind—the 35 year old barista working at PJ’s with one arm of colored tattoos, and the homeless man who hangs around outside of Coldstone Creamery.”

Starch’s sister Ariel, or as she has been more commonly called since Starch’s family began paying tuition, ‘Des Moine Darryl’s Main Bottom Bitch Sandy’, was unable to be reached for comment as she sold her cell phone for extra cash.

“He shows promise,” praised Accounting professor Rodger Cassel. “He has mastered that empty-inside-life-has-no-meaning look, which is really where the skill of accounting lies. I mean calculators exist, what more is there for accountants to do other then sit in cubicles? This kid is good, but he could be great. He could be the most quaint, quiet, rage filled 5’7 guy there has ever been.”



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