Student Enters Aron, Never Seen Again

Three days ago, October 21, sophomore student Rod Higgins filed a missing persons report for his good friend Bobby Paterson, who has not been seen since entering Aron, Tulane’s tenement-style dorms, at the beginning of the year.

“It was going to be great, he said I could come over whenever,” reported a worried Higgins in his report. “He kept bragging about having a full kitchen, that he would never have to leave. Then as soon as we got to school, it’s like he dropped off the face of the planet. No texts, no phone calls, no facebook updates. I don’t know what to think.”

Higgins went looking for his friend when he stopped responding, “It wasn’t human. As I walked up to the complex, the iron bars creaked open to show the overgrowth of what was inside. The plants hadn’t been cut in year, when I walked in, it was like the sun hadn’t shined in years. I walked into my friend’s apartment and knew immediately something was wrong. The light fixtures were flickering and hanging from the ceiling… the walls were painted with glow in the dark finger paint… I heard muttering coming from a room to the right, and when I looked closer I saw what looked like a feral child scratching a table wearing nothing but a singlet whispering to himself ‘good is what happy does’. When I got closer we made eye contact, and he scurried into a vent in the floor. I got out of there quick.”

Tulane officials speculate that the reason for this state may be the Green Wave football teams latest victory, as a winning season is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

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