Student Drinks Boot out of Business at Fifty Cent Night

    “The Boot”, once voted number one college bar in America, sadly closed its doors last Tuesday after sophomore Nick Harlow took enough fifty-cent shots to run the bar out of business.


“He took four million shots. Four million fucking shots dude– it was unreal: kid just kept knocking them back, that’s why he’s my boy. He’s a fucking champ, undefeated 4 million and 0,” said Harlow’s best friend and blossoming alcoholic Cole Melling. According to former Boot staff members, the bar loses about a quarter per shot, and their failure to throw Harlow out led to the million-dollar loss.


Harlow entered The Boot at 10 pm for the start of fifty cent night with a chip on his shoulder and an emptiness in his stomach that longed for excessive amounts of cheap fireball. He knew this was his night. Within an hour he had taken 2 million shots, and the Boot staff began to get nervous. The Tuesday night bartender, Chad Tannerson, recalled the situation: “We had to call up the fighter jets over at Jack Daniels to refuel; we had to get some fireball airdropped on the premises. The Boot was not about to go down without a fight. We do not negotiate with alcoholics.”


Once midnight struck, Harlow, 3 million shots deep, showed no signs of slowing down. Besides occasionally screaming about how he’s “The King of Boots!” and his tendency to fall out of his stool whenever friends left his side to pursue freshmen girls, Harlow was in control of himself, The Boot and all of New Orleans. The staff had to remove him. The Boot’s loyal patrons, not keen on seeing the historic night come to an end, circled around him to protect their savior from the army of attacking bouncers. The bouncers charged, but could not penetrate the wall of Vineyard Vine button-downs, distasteful crop tops and sexual frustration surrounding the hero. Eventually, the men at Jack Daniels refused to airdrop any more whisky after the Boot ran out of money, and was soon after forced to file bankruptcy.


The Boot, which was once the site of an accursed Indian burial ground, fell into bedlam. Nobody really remembers what happened next, but Yik Yak reports the scene was reminiscent of the fall of the Berlin Wall.


One Boot staff member recounted the chaos, “It was a fucking mess, we had no idea how to handle this kid. We were on the edge of bankruptcy, so in a last ditch attempt to salvage the company we reached out to the best in the business biz; but by the time we got to the graduate B-school and woke up all the sleeping Asians, it was too late.”


A candlelight vigil will be held in Delta Iota Kappa’s fraternity house. The Boot will be razed. A variety of developers have come of for solutions for the empty lot including: the site of a giant statue of Scott Cowan grabbing his balls, a space for Crepes a la Cart to expand so it can finally make some real goddamn pancakes, and for the site to stay under construction for 10 years like every other building in New Orleans that isn’t a football stadium.

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