Sorority Woman Overjoyed to Get Big, Satan

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Prince of Darkness. Beelzebub. The Black Spy.  Old Splitfoot.  Countless titles, one evil being.  But today, after a week of anticipation, Satan takes on a new role: sorority big. Tulane’s chapter of Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) spent this afternoon on the steps of Gibson for their annual big little reveal, an event many sisters remember fondly as “the day I realized what joy felt like.”  This year’s reveal was particularly special for one new member, Mary Matthews, who was welcomed into what her sisters lovingly call “The Eternal Damnation Fam.”

“We had all found our littles and then we realized that Mary was still waiting to find her fam,” explained DIK sister Kim Adams. “All of a sudden, the construction pit behind Gibson started gurgling and we noticed a steaming trail of blood and glitter leading to its opening. She followed the blood and climbed into the pit, and we knew she was home.  She and Satan came out a few minutes later and took some really great PR photos with the rest of us.”

DIK members young and old are incredibly happy for what is undoubtedly this year’s hottest big/little pair. According to Emily Parker, a DIK junior, “They’re perfect for each other! I met Mary on the first day of recruitment, and I could tell right away that she’s the kind of girl who can hold her own during a ritualistic goat sacrifice but also really knows how to have fun.”  

Chapter president Jillian Powers is calling the pairing “a match made in Hell.”  Even God was willing to show His support, stating calmly “I didn’t want to say it, but someone has to.  These girls are adorable.”

As far as Mary is concerned, life has never been better. She took a few minutes to reflect on her experience today, saying “My heart has never felt darker.  The second I stepped into that fiery pit, I knew I was where I belonged. It was pretty standard big/little bonding stuff while we were down there, but Satan really made me feel special.  We took an ancient blood oath and like, so many selfies, and I met my grandbig! Her name’s Kate. She seems cool.”


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