Search Party Will Not Stop Until Fake ID Found

Last Thursday, sophomore Matty Pullman was sitting in the back seat of a cab departing from F&Ms that smelled vaguely of recently cleaned-up vomit and transportation protest when he realized his entire wallet was missing from his back pocket.

Due to its effectiveness of finding lost items, Pullman posted in the Class of 2018 Facebook page, and soon an entire search party was on the hunt for the velcro wallet.

The search party gathered for briefing in City Diner. TUSTEP dogs sniffed Pullman’s left butt cheek to help them find the wallet. TUPD, lacking any professional supplies, grabbed spare napkins and pancake boxes to take notes of Pullman’s various locations throughout the night. Landmark Security just showed up for the Hullaballo photo-ops and milkshakes.

The search party departed at 1:30 AM following Pullman’s steps, which began with a dabbing session in the second shower stall of a Phelp’s suite. With no luck, the team of 200 followed Skipper’s strong scent to Quills. Skipper is one of TUPD’s most talented officers; all the TUSTEP dogs were left behind at Phelps because they couldn’t stop licking their balls.

After a quick game of bp and a few hundred pitchers of beer — they found a five dollar bill along the way — the search party piled into a Toyota Prius Uber and scooted over to their last hope: F&Ms.

The search party used the well-established detective tactic of “putting themselves in Pullman’s sperrys.” Sacrifices were made: Landmark security whipped their yellow jackets around as they danced on the pool table, TUPD officer Joe Shmuker assumed the fetal position below the stairs, and officer Jannette Buckley made out with various sexually frustrated freshmen girls. “I did it for the case,” she said, covering her black and blue neck with copious amounts of cover-up.

With all hope lost, members of the search party decided to get cheese fries to celebrate their attempt at doing something significant. Pullman thanked the party by pulling out his wallet from his front pocket and paying for everyone’s fries.

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