If you read the “View From Gibson” like a goddamn nerd, you already know Mike Fitts is set to announce some big news, and it’s not that we’re a top 39 school! Tulane is rumored to be returning to the SEC, the Southeastern Conference home to storied football programs including Alabama, Auburn, Arkansas and “The Tulane of Nashville,” Vanderbilt University. Many are surprised by the conference upgrade given Tulane’s mediocre 5-7 record this season, but the Yulman family snuck some discounted Sealy mattresses the SEC chairman’s way, and NCAA officials approved the deal after being wooed with a lifetime supply of Oz’s gourmet grilled cheese sticks.
Unfortunately, Fitts’s excitement has been slightly misplaced, as the email sent to firstname.lastname@example.org that he thought said “Tulane to be added to the SEC” actually read “Tulane to be audited by the SEC.” Tulane is not joining America’s elite college football conference; in fact the Securities & Exchange Commission is investigating Tulane for dubious financial actions, including but not limited to bribery via Sealy mattresses and grilled cheese stick inflation.
In a heroic and rare stroke of insight, Dean MacLaren noticed Fitts had misinterpreted the email, and began a Wolf of Wall Street-esque procedure of shuttling all the evidence into the Mississippi River.