President Fitts Finishes Binge Watching Latest Season of “Tulane”

Michael Fitts’s office trashcan confirms the university president has just thrown away the 432ndbag of popcorn in his binge of the most recent season of “Tulane.”

The show, which Fitts finished so he didn’t feel left out of office chit-chat, consists of 119 episodes that details life at a private, nonsectarian research university in New Orleans. It centers on the greedy and irresponsible actions of a corrupt university and its delusional president as racial progress is butchered, funds are spent where least needed, and students are left to fend for themselves in a unforgiving world without any student emergency medical staff.

The 16th time he was contacted for an interview, Fitts finally agreed to put down the popcorn, put on some real pants, and discuss his thoughts on the hit reality show.

“Fall was a busy time for me, and I didn’t have time to invest in another show. Readers of my blog know that watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians and responding to the whims of large donors keep me very busy,” said Fitts through a mouthful of popcorn. “But everyone kept talking about how great this Tulane show was. I mean EVERYONE. James, Tanner, Dusty. Ms. Joi accused me of “rolling with the Wolfpack” because I wasn’t caught up. I’m still not sure, but I think she was making fun of me. Anyways, I got myself an office TV and went to work.”

Fitts went on to explain that his office is his favorite place for a binge, and cited Gibson as the best place to view everything. He also disclosed his personal thoughts about Tulane. “I laughed, I cried…I laughed, and at times I genuinely felt concerned for my physical, psychological, and financial safety. Tulane’s story is so immersive, its characters so gripping. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I’m actually IN the show! I can’t imagine what I would’ve done if any of THAT ever happened to me,” said Fitts as he stuffed 7 bags of popcorn into his tiny microwave. “Still not sure about that president character, though”

Fits ditched his usual outfit of a baggy jacket, green tie, and sad face in favor of the classic binging attire of yoga pants and those glasses he never wears, all draped under a cozy microfiber blanket. While sweeping the Mountain Dew bottles out of Fitts’s office, DTZ janitor Mickey Janssen said, “I didn’t mind dealing with the popcorn, he licked all the butter off the bags so they were pretty clean.” Fitts soon scurried back to his couch, excitedly yammering, “there’s an unsolvable string of robberies, the higher-ups are about to fire the head coach, and Johnny is about to tell Michelle how he really feels! Geez, finally!”

While it premiered in August and ended early December, the short-lived mini series still managed to raise eyebrows and stir pots, with both critics and Fitts agreeing that Tulane is at its best when it’s at its worst.just binging things


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