President Fitts Completely Ready To Be Easter Bunny Should Anyone Ask Him

 

This weekend, the 15th president of Tulane University is hoping to hop into a new role: Easter Bunny. In the Good Friday View from Gibson, Fitts said he is, “Completely prepared to be the Easter bunny at any gatherings or events being held this weekend, or whenever really,” should those needs arise in the Tulane community or beyond.

According to his assistant, Kelly R. Rabbith, this is actually progress for the weepy leader. “Year after year he was told that he ‘didn’t have the charm’ to play Santa, so it’s good that he’s finally lowering the bar a little,” said Rabbith while lint rolling her entire body to remove the Easter grass littering Gibson from her person. “While many Tulane students spent the end of this week zipping their suitcases for flights home, Fitts was busy zipping himself into the bunny suit sewn for him by his mother when he was but a student himself.”

Fitts’ mother has since passed, but the Vignette was able to reach his cool older brother, Nichael Fitts. “He’s such a dweeb. There’s no way he can pull this off! Have you seen him try to hop? He just does t-rex hands while scrunching his body and then standing up straight. He rarely leaves the ground- maximum a quarter-inch of air. And no, I don’t go by Nike for short.”  

At press time, there were no leads on any opportunity for Fitts to act as the symbol of springtime renewal and hand out small chocolates to children, but he remained hopeful. “I just want to be part of the fun,” Fitts sniffled. “If someone needs a bunny to stir the pot for hours on end at a crawfish boil or sort through eggs because they forgot which ones are raw, I can do that. My mom always said, ‘There’s nothing that this wittle wabbit can’t do.’”  

Tulane president Mike Fitts is currently accepting any and all offers to play this Sunday’s token role and help New Orleans’ spring dreams come true. With a little added material and a boost of confidence from Tulane’s administrative staff, the president is ready to roll.  Easter egg roll, that is!* In the meantime, he has been patiently weeping in his office, making the headpiece of the costume very, very damp.

 

fitts easter bunny

 

Interested community members are being asked to contact Fitts or his staff members via email, phone call, or “really any other way you can think of” if they’d like to hire the president as a bunny. They’d like to remind any interested parties that the president is really just absolutely ready to do this for you, and he wants to make that very clear. All you have to do is ask.  Really. No charge.  Please. He says he won’t take the suit off till someone hires him. He’s starting to cry again.  Please.

*The author would like to clarify that this is simply a figure of speech.  The idea of Mike Fitts’ involvement in any organized Easter Egg Roll, specifically the famed event at the White House, is certainly a ridiculous reach.  Sorry for any confusion. Happy Easter to you all!


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