President Fitts Calls Himself a “Sophomore,” Taunts Freshmen Mercilessly

In a speech given during the living hell that is commencement, second-year President Mike “Michael” Fitts referred to himself as a “sophomore president.” Fitts noted that The Class of 2019 is Tulane’s largest and most impressive to date. However, he added that it was “sad and lame” that they will never drunkenly enjoy a slice of original Dough Bowl boot pizza at 2am in 2014 and are therefore “nerds and pledges.” Regardless of how smooth their transition into Tulane has been, everyone’s favorite teary-eyed administrator has gained a sophomore attitude that has left freshmen shivering in their boat shoes.

President Fitts has been seen parading around campus in last year’s “Reily Rocks” t-shirt audibly scoffing whenever he sees a freshman wear the newer version, “they’re like, literally fetuses,” said Fitts. Divest Tulane president Shelly Copenhagen recalls a bizarre meeting with the president: “We were supposed to be talking about fossil fuels or whatever Divest does, but he kept boasting about how chill Mayer is and how no one will ever be as crazy as last year’s Sharp 3.”

“Ugh, I remember being a freshman,” cried Fitts while sitting on the balcony of Irby, blasting mashups from speakers made of coolers. “Everything was different, man, these dweebs will never know what it’s like to eat at pre-baby blue Bruff or pass out from dehydration at the first home football game.” Fitts then claimed he was going to the Palms, but ended up at the Boot for what he promised would be his last fifty ever.

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