It’s thanksgiving season and that means cornbread, cranberry sauce, and crying at the dinner table! Everyone loves to eat during Thanksgiving, but all that carbo-loading can get pretty tiring. With all the food and “fun,” it’s no wonder you and your family are practically falling asleep face first into lukewarm green beans! But when your Dad lays down for a ‘cat-nap’ that turns into him sleeping through cleaning the dishes and your mom threatening a divorce, some relaxation-enhancing drugs may be at play. Daddy blames it on the Turkey, but could he be hiding something stronger?
Here are 3 tips to distinguish whether it’s the tryptophan or Xanny keeping your family relaxed while Uncle Tom talks about tax reform.
- Look for that glaze
We’re not talking about glaze on the pies. Red, bloodshot eyes? Glossy stare into the abyss? That’s not the turkey.
- Pass the salt
Is your grandma super salty about how no one dresses up for Thanksgiving like they did during the depression? Or will she not stop whining about how that nice Tebow boy is no longer the most famous kneeling football player? Don’t worry, sweet ol’ granny isn’t popping Xanny. Xanax relaxes people. Only poultry related chemicals can make a person so cranky about your untucked Gap shirt. Cranky fam = no xan.
- Pass the Potatoes
Your mom usually asks about your job search twice a day but doesn’t bring it up ONCE during desert, even when your cousin mentions his killer new job at a boutique dog collar startup. Is your mom full or turkey or barred the fuck out? Only one way to tell. Throw mashed potatoes into her pretty little face and watch for her reaction. Is she mad? Turkey. Chill? Xanax. But when she laughs and takes a picture….?
Culprit- XANAX AND BOOZE
Hope this helped! Remember- Thanksgiving is a stressful time. But it’s also a time to reflect on the past year, appreciate your health and happiness, and connect with your family. Be kind. You never know who in your family might be as high as Snoop Dogg’s ballsack.
Class selection time can be stressful. Most of us will never realize our dreams of becoming the next Beyonce or Lil Dicky, and instead now have to choose whether we would like to be a doctor, a lawyer or the funny degenerate who crashes on his more successful friend’s couch for “a couple days” that turn into 25 years. For those of you who still aren’t sure what classes you’d like to pick, The Vignette has provided these venn diagrams so you know exactly what type of students, professors and assignments you’ll have to hungoverly deal with for an entire semester.
“I really am no different now, I promise” Tulane’s newly crowned King bantered, shooting Vignette reporter Wendy Bennett a sheepish grin. He straightened out the crumpled shirt he claimed to have “totally washed himself.” He continued, “I mean this whole rise to the top has been a blur, so I still feel like the normal guy I was. Maybe I still am—I’m just him with a crown and the power to sentence students who answer rhetorical questions in class to dozens of grueling hours catching crawfish.” Our king let out a chuckle, running his hands through his hair nervously until they stopped on the points of his solid gold crown. “I really am just like totally one of the guys though.”
Tulane’s new Queen echoed this sentiment as she watched Netflix and ate an adorably large amount of junk food in bed. She told Bennett, “Yeah I mean you can see that I am still one of the girls.” Bennett scanned the room but was unable to spot any of these other “girls.”
Noticing the glance, the Queen giggled, her white satin gloved hand pulling another cheese doodle from the bag, “Yeah well none of them are here now. They didn’t want to watch New Girl, so I imprisoned them in the work camp below the LBC.”
Despite having recently been granted immense tyrannical power, the recently coronated Tulane Homecoming monarchy somehow still manages to stay humble and oh so relatable. They even said they would enjoy “drinking beer, hanging out and relaxing” after their next big tarring and feathering of “deviant university members that threaten the regime.”
Sophomore Harrison Webster was overjoyed this morning when his parents left Tulane and flew back to Long Island, as this marked the end of a very long weekend of being constantly sexiled by them.
“It was really annoying,” Webster reported of the habits of Diane, 49, and Herb, 54, who reportedly sexiled their son no less than four times over the course of 2k17 Parents’ Weekend. “We’d come back from dinner, they’d sprint up the stairs to beat me to my room, and I’d find a tie on the doorknob. I’d go into the other half of my suite to steal some kombucha, and both doors to my room would be locked. I kept having to hang out in the common room. We’ve got a Gamecube in there so I wasn’t too bored but it’s really annoying to know your parents are having more sex in your bed than you’ve had in your whole life.”
Other residents of Soho 4 corroborated Webster’s story. “Every night, my parents dropped me back off at my dorm after buying me Hand Grenades at Pat O’s and Harrison would just be playing Mario Kart alone in the common room. His parents were just constantly going at it,” noted Spencer McGoldstein. Added McGoldstein’s roommate, Charlie Maxwell Griffin William Nicholas Brandon Jacob Adam Tulane Johnson, “At least Mr. W brought up Soho 4’s body count.”
Mr. and Mrs. Webster, married 26 years this December, could not be reached for comment because Diane wouldn’t spring for the Southwest in-flight wifi. But according to close family friends, sexiling their son “really brought back the spark” for the Websters. Richard Burton, Esq., the couple’s best friend and next-door neighbor, told The Vignette that Herb had called him applauding how the long twin dorm beds were “really great for his back” and noting how “there are a ton of free condom dispensers around campus to ignore.”
At press time, Harrison was stuck out in the common room because his roommate’s parents are apparently staying until Wednesday and also needed the room.
With homecoming coming up this weekend, a lot of Vignette readers have been asking the same question: What exactly do the Homecoming King and Queen actually win? Well, ask no longer, because the Vignette’s investigative journalist whiz, Francine, has the whole thing figured out. Here are the illustrious 7 things every Homecoming King and Queen gets to take home with them after winning:
1) Ten coupons to Chill Will’s Wacky Daq Shack and Drive-in Theater
What a prize! CWWDS&DIT is, as everybody knows, the pride and joy of the Greater Houma area. Try and get the HoCo winner to slip you a wristband!
2) The crawfish supply for Crawfest
In honor of Homecoming Week, Tulane University dredges out six square acres of swamp and gives the crawfish findings to the Homecoming Court winners. Every year since this prize has been provided, the King and Queen have graciously given the crawfish to Tulane in order to put on the festival of Craw we all know and love. But technically there’s no rule that demands the winner give the crawfish up. In 1972 Hoco King “Ass” McBride tried to keep all the craw for himself, luckily his Queen Beyonce Rabinowitz set him straight and saved Crawfest. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for Crawfest ‘18!
3) One free* year of Tulane’s laundry service
*Contingent upon having already paid for three years of Tulane’s laundry service
4) $165,000 cash prize!
5) The backup quarterback position on Tulane’s football team
In 13 of the past 15 years, the HoCo winners have quickly taken over the first spot on the depth chart. Rumor has it 2017 Candidate Patrick Magruder can throw a 65 yard pass, maybe he’ll get in a game!
6) brief respite and moment in the sun before a lifetime of normalcy that is soon forgotten
7) One free four-finger box combo from Cane’s
Cane’s chicken fingers: One love! <3
BREAKING: This past weekend thousands of Tulane students were added to a Facebook group for Homecoming t-shirts that read “We Pregame Harder Than You Party.” However, upon investigation, The Vignette found that, when zoomed in, the shirts showed the phrase “COW CAT WAS AN iNSiDE JOB.”
Naturally, this has led to discussion of whether or not cow cat’s death was an inside job. Was Riptide jealous of our unofficial mascot enough to give him the beak down? Is President Fitts a violently passionate dog person? Are these shirts merely Loyola propaganda designed to foster distrust and chaos in the Tulane political system? Is Dean MacLaren really British? Only cow cat holds the answers. May she rest in peace.
Recently, Reily Student Recreation Center put up signs throughout the gym areas warning students that they would be enforcing a new dress code prohibiting “Ugly AF” clothes through the utilization of a Reily Fashion Unit.
“Yeah, we are really looking to dress up the gym a bit, I mean it’s hard enough to be here, quads burning, on my grind, but to also have burning eyes from looking at all the gawky-ass apparel?” The FU member scoffed, “That’s just unreasonable.”
Notable enforcement methods observed thus far have been laughing hysterically at the Target yoga pants of a red head, explaining to a boy that he would die alone covered in pig grease because he wore Skechers, and egging a girl in a sports bra for the five blocks back to her dorm.
“I would describe the new dress code as somewhere between Sunday Brunch Casual and What You Would Wear to the Rose Ceremony on the Bachelor,” an FU member explained, before running off to push an elderly man wearing baggy shorts down the stairs.
Tanya Goldstein, a victim of the new policy who had to take five showers to clean the sharpied “Slut” off her forehead commented, “Yeah I think that it may be a little too harsh.”
See how many spaces you can cover up this Halloweekend! Keep your eyes peeled for sexy Caillou 😉
Tulane CAPS is committed to providing safe, inclusive, and difficult-to-schedule mental health services to all students. In an effort to enhance its student resources, CAPS will now refer students to Shake Therapy, a brand new off campus milkshake shop in Uptown New Orleans.
Shake Therapy is home to many highly trained licensed high schoolers making dairy treats topped with donuts, sprinkles, and a restored trust in your father. These servers, or “therapists” are there for you in your times of need, like when you are freaking out over where to take a first date, or when you give up on your Atkins diet for the third time. Shake Therapy provides a supportive and encouraging environment to eat your feelings and as many chocolate chip chunk milkshakes as you can stomach (for the low low price of $15 a scoop).
Students can contact CAPS or Shake Therapy for further information, and are encouraged to hashtag their instagrammed pictures of their milkshakes with #mykindoftherapy.
*****if you need mental health resources, contact CAPS at https://campushealth.tulane.edu/caps
Just days before finalizing plans to reward Harvey Weinstein with an honorary PhD for his “remarkable achievements in one of Tulane’s core values: being a rich and powerful white man,” university officials announced that the whole thing was a no-go, because, you know, Tulane cares about sexual violence now?
Students are excited about this revolutionary move. “I’m really proud to be rolling with the Wave in this one,” Junior Patty Ranch commented. “Not a lot of colleges can say they are woke enough to do something like not give Harvey Weinstein an honorary degree.”
When asked about the decision, Dr. Earl “Hot-Pocket” Wilson, chair of the all-male honorary degree committee, noted that the move was not just a stroke of genius, but a stroke of luck. “We were this close to a PR disaster!” he said, drinking from a mug of room temperature coffee. “Good thing Mark from PR has a daughter and is therefore able to comprehend that women are people too. Otherwise we wouldn’t have even known sexual violence is a problem.”
Although Tulane has not officially stated who will be rewarded the now unassigned honorary degree, rumors suggest that the recipient will be the respectful, socially conscious, 2004 PETA “World’s Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrity” award winner… Andre 3000!
Tulane resources for reporting sexual assault can be found at http://www.titleix.tulane.edu/how-to-report/