New Syllabus Outlines Exactly What Day Students Will Lose All Hope

Citing the need for academic transparency and precise scheduling, Dr. Bjorn Dungsten has updated his Cellular Biochemistry syllabus to include the exact day students will completely lose all hope.

“I always advise students to plan ahead, so I’ve decided to alert them to the exact date their mental faculties will simultaneously reach the breaking point and boiling point of human sanity. ” Dungsten told reporters while adding the letters e through h to every multiple choice question on his exams.

The fateful day upon which all students will collectively throw up their arms in exasperation and resign to a life of middle management mediocrity is Thursday, October 20th.

“This is a strict deadline,” Dungsten explained in class. “I expect each of your dwindling motivations to succumb to this class’s overwhelming workload by this date. Each additional day is four seventeenths off a letter grade. No exceptions!”

Local overachievers were reportedly planning to lose hope as early as September 27th, a full three weeks before the entire class is required to have finished their dismal spiral into an abyss of hopelessness and apathy. Some more realistic students decided to at least be full of indifference by early October.

Sophomore Amy Kurtz expressed concern about her ability to adapt to this new form of assessment. “What if I can’t do it? Why do I even bother?” She wept, unwittingly raising her grade.

Other students, like junior Brad Schneller, reacted more positively to the news. “I have a two-month head start on the day everything goes to shit. If I call CAPS right now I might be able to get an appointment as early as November!” exclaimed Schneller. “It’s nice to know this class will be of absolutely zero concern to me. Some professors really do care.”

The syllabus also notes other important dates, such as when the existential dread will set in, designated stress eating days, and the Walmart greeter application deadline.


"The apathy is coming."

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"The apathy is coming."

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