New Jersey Freshmen Bond By Virtue of Calling Everyone “Pussies”

After two long weeks of staring out windows into the pouring rain, sighing loudly at couples walking by, and weeping alone in his room, New Jersey freshman Thomas Antonino finally met someone Saturday, September 28 who shared the same beliefs and Jersey dialect as him.

“I was sitting alone in the LBC” Antonino reminisces, “When all of sudden I hear this guy in the background. He was yelling ‘Pussy, you would like that’ at one of his friends. I immediately knew I had found my new best friend.”

“My friend had gotten a Dr. Pepper, which everybody knows is just a pussier version of whiskey”, explained Antonino’s new friend Patrick Donovan. “I mean, its like that guy has a vagina or something. Everybody thought it was hilarious, I know because they all averted their eyesight. Trying to stifle their laughter I guess.”

Antonino at that point got up out of his chair looked across the room and yelled back at Donovan “You callin’ him a pussy brah? That ain’t what yo momma said last night!” As is the customary response to being called a pussy in New Jersey. The two then introduced themselves as if they were disinterested, and did a double fist pound to initiate their friendship.

“I mean, it’s just been perfect ever since then” said Donovan “We instantly hit it off. The other day I licked one of those feral cats, just because I knew if I didn’t Tommy would call me a pussy again. It’s like being at home, all the way down here in N’awlins.”

The two were last seen smoking a joint by the boot on their way to Friday night Hillel services.


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