Library Hit by More ‘Totally Real’ Crimes

Howard Tilton Memorial Library, the beloved building that was once known as a place to sit back, get some work done, and maybe even fall asleep at your laptop, has apparently turned into the most crime-infested edifice in New Orleans. Unlike the debunked robbery attempt of last week, TUPD has assured students that these crimes “definitely happened” and “don’t worry about it.”

The first crime alert came yesterday morning and reported a rolling meth lab operated in the first floor men’s stall. The faint odor of toxic fumes was apparently noticed by a sensitive-nosed freshman occupying the next stall over. “You know that this crime totally happened because a freshman noticed it,” said a not made-up TUPD officer Gladiola Marz, “most of our student population has little to no sense of smell left after spending even a small amount of time in Phelps and Irby.” Officer Marz reported that the lab was “almost certainly” being operated by a chemistry professor because “Duh, Breaking Bad.”

A second TUPD police report was sent out in the evening. The report was detailed and most likely written by someone who had just seen a “Die Hard” movie.

“TUPD received an anonymous call regarding suspicious activity on the fourth floor. The handsome officers definitely rushed up to the fourth floor to find none other than Chechen rebels, organizing in the microfilm room. An all or nothing shootout ensued, leaving many bloodied and fatally wounded. Tulane law enforcement thoroughly infiltrated the Chechen headquarters and all members of the extremist organization were definitely taken into custody.”

“Yup, definitely happened” said TUPD officer Neil DeRock Johnson, denying persistent claims that ‘microfilm’ is just a made-up library word.

When reached for comment the head of TUPD Randy “The Ghost of Christmas Past” Willis had this to say: “Be alert in the library, there is a 10% chance of crime and a 90% chance of the library’s social media team trying to make it look more badass.”


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