Just Another Totally Normal Stress-Free Day

Students, faculty, and staff across Tulane’s campus are in agreement that today, Tuesday, November 8, 2016, is a totally pleasant and unextraordinary day, like many other days. Individuals are reporting that nothing is weighing on their minds and that they are going through their days living in the present moment without any distractions or concerns.

“Today is pretty much a typical day for me,” said sophomore Sofia Diaz. “My professor put a picture of his cat in our lecture today. It was so cute! I just wanted to grab it.”

A gaggle of political science students sat together ogling a very shiny penny. “We just can’t take our eyes off of it,” one of them exclaimed. “I have like 3 unread texts but all I can look at is this penny. Genuine copper!”

A general feeling of levity and contentedness can be felt throughout campus. Brandy Salamander, a senior Environmental Science major and president of QSA, reportedly got a full eight hours of sleep last night. “I didn’t even have a single stress dream.  I guess you could say this is the most wholesome I’ve felt since my pre-k years.  Only at Tulane, huh?!”

Tulane President Mike Fitts journaled, “For breakfast, I had everlasting harmony, understanding, and unity and a heaping side of serenity and also a stack of pancakes so tall I had to eat outside or risk getting syrup on Gibson’s ceiling.”

As data accumulates, it too confirms that this is a pretty average day. Only 2.4 skateboarders have fallen per hour, compared with the average of 2.7, students have scrolled through approximately 1.2 long-winded facebook statuses per walk to class, compared to the Tuesday/Thursday average of 1.5, and Mike Fitts has only cried 5.6 times today, meaning he’s on track to hit his usual 8.9. Data about dorm vomit will be inconclusive until about 1am CST, but even with Warren’s tendency to act as a swing dorm, nothing is expected to sway the averageness of the day either way. While the numbers are still rolling in, it seems that there should be no surprises and everything about this day should go exactly as predicted with no implications for the future of Tulane.

 

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