Jeb Bush and Michael Fitts Share Wordless, Loving Eye Contact Over Solitary Birthday Meals at Golden Corral

Tulane President  Mike “Michael” Fitts and former presidential candidate John Ellis “Jeb!” Bush met this afternoon at a Golden Corral restaurant outside of Baton Rouge, LA, where both waited anxiously for even a single friend to show up to their respective birthday parties.

President Fitts brought homemade goodie bags filled to the brim with Garfield-themed pencils and obsolete but nostalgic Palm Pilot accessories for the estimated 26 guests who had confirmed “Yes” and “Maybe” to the birthday boy’s Facebook invitation. Two and a half hours after the party’s designated start time, the University admin was seen sitting still unaccompanied at a large corner booth, listlessly watching the flow of Golden Corral’s patented GC Chocolate Fountain.

Bush’s party had a “Friends” theme, and although the Florida governor had spent hours the night before specifically assigning the perfect character to each of his friends, witnesses spotted him sitting for nearly three hours at the head of an otherwise empty 10-person table, wearing a “Joey” hat and sadly playing Angry Birds on his iPod Touch.

The deeply intimate eye contact began when President Fitts pretended to check his watch, hoping to convince his waitress that his guests’ absence was simply a mix-up, just as Jeb(!) was trying to get his waiter’s attention so he could request an extra packet of mustard for his third hot dog. In that moment, each sad white tycoon met the gaze of the other, and, as of press time, have not looked away for even an instant.

Michael Fitts’ only comment to Vignette reporters was that he hoped that “he’s not like all the others,” and went on to openly question whether Governor Bush sorta maybe wanted to hang out later and check out “my stamp collection.” Governor Bush inquired to the wait staff if President Fitts was “a cool guy or a lame-o,” and also paid to have the staff send a Shirley Temple to the table of his newest friend as an invitation to “shoot the shit.”  

The pair was politely asked to leave the restaurant after several patrons complained about the “intensely sexual” and “almost depraved” nature of the pair’s eye contact. Within minutes the dynamic duo was spotted leaving the eatery arm in arm discussing their Ms. Pacman high scores and how drinking beer “really hurts my stomach, too!”


Aw man....

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