Intern Ship to Set Sail This Summer

Earlier today, Capitalist Caribbean announced the official travel dates for its newest cruise ship, Synergy of the Sea, a vessel designed specifically for travellers who delight in the drudgery of menial labor without financial compensation. The ship is set to depart June 1st and will carry hundreds of eagerly unpaid worker bees on an aimless odyssey through the oceans and and job fairs of the world.

Spots on the ship are reportedly very competitive, as Jeffrey Santiago, a hopeful applicant, told Vignette reporters.

“This is my dream intern ship. I’ve been on my fair share of trainee dinghies and apprentice schooners, but the Synergy of the Sea is a miracle of nautical ingenuity. I hear its motor runs on coffee and its hull is reinforced with only the strongest cover letters.”

The ship is maintained entirely by the interns, and sources report that 2/3 of the crew are directly involved in the coffee retrieval field.  

“Yeah, the demand for coffee fetchers is booming right now,” said Layla Kaylin, a coffee specialist who served on board the Relevant Experience of the Sea last year. “My official title was Coffee Underling, but this year I’m hoping to work my way up to Coffee Schlepper.”

Activities on the Synergy of the Sea include a corporate ladder climbing wall, organizing the BINGO (short for binder cargo), and plain old just sitting around.

Anderson Zaloni, a devout worker who interned aboard Busywork of the Sea for 15 summers in a row, described other amenities.

“The rollercoaster is insane,” said an exuberant Zaloni. “It’s called the ‘Intern Experience’ and it’s such an exhilarating, educational ride. It even loops around and brings you right back to where you started.”

Though he has never set foot on an intern ship, Rick Ameroli, an industry insider, is a huge proponent of the ever-growing fleet.

“The system is ingenuous. We lure all these gullible saps out here with the promise of a better resume, but out here at sea, they’re at Poseidon’s mercy. The ships don’t have life jackets because in real the world, when you’re drowning in responsibilities, flail around all you want, but you won’t find any damn floaties. Only thing on their side out there is human reef sources, and that’s not even real, it’s just a thing I made up.”

Executives at Capitalist Caribbean have high hopes for the voyage, despite a sketchy track record. The last intern ship, We Regret to Inform You of the Sea, famous for its transparent hull, infamously capsized years ago when some overly ambitious fish smashed through the glass ceiling. None of the lifeboats were deployed and all lives were tragically lost, as none of the onboard interns wanted to make a bad impression by leaving first.  

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