Illegal Loyola Immigration Growing Problem

Tulane students across campus have begun to complain, as the amount of illegal Loyola immigrants is at an all time high on campus as of yesterday, October 12.

“This is becoming ridiculous,” Commented Adam Scottsmen. “I know that our campus is paved with gold, and thrives over people from all around the world attending classes here, but Loyola kids as well? That just seems like it’s crossing the line.”

Tulane students’ biggest problem with the rising immigration issue may be the lack of on campus jobs left to the student body. This concern was brought up at one of the recent student debates held on campus.

“I don’t see why all of the jobs have to be filled up by Loyola students,” preached anti-immigration activist Daniel Martin. “There are no available jobs that are hiring! How am I supposed to make any money to spend on drugs and alcohol?”

When told that the warehouse maintenance and plumbing jobs were still hiring Martin responded, “Yeah, but… I don’t want to do those.”

“Over crowding has been a huge problem,” recognized concerned Tulane student Preston Thompson. “Every time I walk to my 12:00 class McAlister and the academic quad are so crowded. It’s like there isn’t even enough room for me to drive my golf cart there, and I got it just for that purpose. That has to be solved, and if it isn’t Loyola people walking to and from class, who could it be?”

“Listen, I like the Tulane campus,” Commented Margaret Therold, a Loyola student. “I like the Loyola campus, too. You guys know that when we come to Tulane it’s usually just because it’s on our way to the boot, right? It’s not like we are moving into your dorms.”

The immigration crisis has only escalated since the controversial laws passed independently by Monroe building officials. “Listen, we aren’t saying that they are definitely illegal,” commented Alfred Mongol, the original drafter of the law. “But if they look Catholic, then we are going to have see their splash card.”

Beyond the overcrowding and job crisis, certain Tulane officials are worried about the drug culture in Loyola spilling onto Tulane’s campus.

“We all know about the drug cartels in Loyola,” started Timothy Quentin, president of the Tulane Young Republicans. “They are dangerous and if we let that into Tulane, then we are in for some serious problems. Our students may even try smoking weed, and a select few could be at risk for cocaine. Tulane has never seen the likes of those problems.”

When asked about solutions for the problem, Quentin referenced the fence separating the two universities. “I know its there, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe we could make it higher? Could we also make a moat? Something needs to be done.”

While these problems continue to press the Tulane society, Tulane officials have no timetable for any kind of affirmative action, stating “I don’t know, when is the next student government election?”

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One Comment to “Illegal Loyola Immigration Growing Problem”

  1. Greenwave says:

    This is the best one so far haha

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