Hugs, Hot Chocolate, and Volleyball: a Stunning Exposé on Loyola Hazing

A stunning Tulane Vignette exposé on Loyola fraternity hazing has sent both campuses reeling and has students asking: how far is too far?

Says Loyola freshman Jake Danforth, “I decided to rush because I went pretty hard in high school and I thought I could handle just about anything. But then, I walked into the frat house and the first thing they said was, ‘Drink this whole can of Monster.’ I mean, it was 8 PM! I would’ve been awake until 11:30, at the very least!” Danforth went on to explain that 8 hours of sleep one of the pillars of a Loyola education. “Even though they said I’d totally didn’t need to do anything, and that I would absolutely still be in the fraternity, I still felt pressured!”

Further interviews with other Wolfpack students have revealed a trend of reckless abandon and borderline human rights violations. Sophomore Mark Grenton spoke to the Vignette about his rush experience a year ago, “We all had to drink a glass of milk, eat three cookies, and play friendly rounds of volleyball. FOR AN HOUR. Seriously, I don’t know why I didn’t walk out right then and there.”

The Vignette sent their own reporter, Marvin Clockin, who wished to remain anonymous, as an undercover Loyola freshman to see uncover the true nature of these allegations. Clockin’s report was as shocking as expected, “they told us that we had to wear a necklace without a cross on it and that we weren’t allowed to hold the door for girls for the rest of the day. Some of the other guys seemed pretty upset. One of the pledgemasters threatened to take away our ‘No Tearz’ shampoo.”

 

Given the opportunity to comment, pledgemaster Francis Smith said this, “Oh geez, we didn’t mean to hurt the fellers’ feelings! We just wanted to welcome them to the gang with some friendly merrimaking, nothing serious! Gosh, we consulted with doctors about the potential stress but I guess we need turn our hijinks into lowjinks!” Smith then told the Vignette that by ‘doctors’ he meant priests.

In response to the competition posed by their Greek neighbors, Tulane fraternities instituted a 34 shot minimum drinking policy for all current pledges, effective immediately.

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