Homecoming Royalty: They’re Just Like Us!



“I really am no different now, I promise” Tulane’s newly crowned King bantered, shooting Vignette reporter Wendy Bennett a sheepish grin. He straightened out the crumpled shirt he claimed to have “totally washed himself.” He continued, “I mean this whole rise to the top has been a blur, so I still feel like the normal guy I was. Maybe I still am—I’m just him with a crown and the power to sentence students who answer rhetorical questions in class to dozens of grueling hours catching crawfish.” Our king let out a chuckle, running his hands through his hair nervously until they stopped on the points of his solid gold crown. “I really am just like totally one of the guys though.”

Tulane’s new Queen echoed this sentiment as she watched Netflix and ate an adorably large amount of junk food in bed. She told Bennett, “Yeah I mean you can see that I am still one of the girls.” Bennett scanned the room but was unable to spot any of these other “girls.”

Noticing the glance, the Queen giggled, her white satin gloved hand pulling another cheese doodle from the bag, “Yeah well none of them are here now. They didn’t want to watch New Girl, so I imprisoned them in the work camp below the LBC.”

Despite having recently been granted immense tyrannical power, the recently coronated Tulane Homecoming monarchy somehow still manages to stay humble and oh so relatable. They even said they would enjoy “drinking beer, hanging out and relaxing” after their next big tarring and feathering of “deviant university members that threaten the regime.”

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