Gamliel Advice

Gamliel Advice is written by Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe, a 16th century Prague Rabbi

Dear Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe,
I met this guy on Tinder and he seems super nice, but I just can’t tell if he’s serious! Rabbi Gamliel, third of his name, son of Moshe, how do I know if I’ve got a keeper or just another hit-it-and-quit-it loser?
Signed,
Worried in Warren

Dear Worried,
You may not believe this, but I have actually been in a very similar situation. Back when my Czechoslovakian village was being attacked, during the blood libels, we didn’t know if our assailants were going to KEEP the belief that we were killing Christian babies to use their blood for baking matzah, or just hit it and quit it. What I’m trying to say is, you should build a giant clay Golem monster. This way, whether your Tinder goy is a keeper or not, your Golem will be able to protect you from people who might also want to attack your Jewish livelihood.

Dear Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe,
I’ve gone to Tulane for about 2 years now, and I just can’t help but think I’m pursuing the wrong major. I’m a physics major, but I’ve come to believe my real passion is dance. Is it too late to chase a dream, Rabbi?
Signed,
Baffled in Boggs

Mr. Boggs,
You should build a Golem! When my village was invaded by catholic radicals to check my head for horns, oh how I dreamed of a better time! We prayed and prayed, and eventually created a giant clay monster fueled by anguish and protection. The Golem became my best friend, and to this day I still miss his warm embrace. Drinking hot chocolate on my couch with the knowledge of his protection was the happiest I’ve ever been. Build a Golem, I miss my Golem… and dance, or whatever.

Dear Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe,
Help! My village has been plundered by radicals who believe we are using their children’s blood to bake food. We have been praying to Hashem, but need a more tangible solution, what should we do?
Signed,
Helpless in Nondescript Eastern-European Village

Dear Helpless,

Do not fret! There is a simple solution to your problem: therapy. CAPS is a great resource for both Tulane students and faculty and making an appointment online is easier then ever! Good luck with your issues, I’m almost sure you’ll pull through… like fifty percent sure.


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