Freshman Sexiles Roommate To Quietly Masturbate Alone

After another night of unsuccessfully taking advantage of girls at the boot, freshman Alan Chester reportedly sexiled his roommate on the night of October 12 for the sole purpose of masturbating.

Appallingly horny and embarrassingly alone upon his return from The Boot, Chester opted to kick out roommate Tyler Bryant, claiming “I…ugh..have a girl coming? Her name is Jack…alyn”. Bryant, excited that his roommate was finally getting some, quickly evacuated the room and headed to the floor lounge.

“We agreed in our roommate contract to give each other an hour or so to
finish his business, but he insisted that he only needed ten minutes, which I found odd”, noted Bryant. According to witnesses in the floor lounge, Bryant realized that he had forgotten his cell phone in his room and went to retrieve it. “I was confident that I had time to get it” Bryant claimed, “I figured the girl couldn’t have gotten there that quickly”.

Upon re-entering his room, Bryant found Chester with one arm wrist deep in
a Vaseline container, and the other holding up a mirror, all whilst singing Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get it On. “Yeah I mean I was initially startled, but in hindsight I’m not even mildly surprised”, explained Bryant.

Tulane officials have released a report regarding the incident, stating that this has been the strangest case of masturbation since the public spectacle at The Boot.

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