Freshman Girl Buys Personality For Rush Week

This past Friday, January, 18th, In a desperate attempt to seem like a desirable addition to any Tulane sorority, freshmen girls were sent into a panic trying to purchase appealing personality traits for Recruitment.

Freshman Rachel Adelstein recalls her experience preparing for rush. “I went to Forever 21 to go shopping, and I kept telling the store owner ‘I understand where you keep the dresses, but where can I find the friendly optimism trait I need in order to not spiral into a saddened state of depression while selling myself to a group of overly perky women who like to bake and judge me on my small talk skills?’ He was so unhelpful.”

Recent reports show increased searches on Craig’s List for crucial Rush-season qualities. “Friendliness,” “charm,” and “any speck of individuality,” top the list.

Realizing her disposition was “so totally lacking”, Rachel Adelstein went on a shopping spree. “Daddy’s paying all my dues already, so I just borrowed his credit card and bought myself some things I didn’t have but DESPERATELY needed for the week.”

Adelstein lists her purchases, “A sexy (not too sexy, I’m NOT a lesbian) dress for pref night, new heels, some intelligent anecdotes, charisma, and kindness!” She claims, “I kept all the tags on them. I’m gonna return them as soon as I get my bid, because otherwise they’d just sit in my closet and gather dust.”

When asked for comment, the owner of Forever 21 was unable to be reached for comment as the company is releasing their new perfume called “Oh my god, right?!?”


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