Food Coma vs Xanax – How to Tell if Your Family is Barred Out this Thanksgiving!


It’s thanksgiving season and that means cornbread, cranberry sauce, and crying at the dinner table! Everyone loves to eat during Thanksgiving, but all that carbo-loading can get pretty tiring. With all the food and “fun,” it’s no wonder you and your family are practically falling asleep face first into lukewarm green beans! But when your Dad lays down for a ‘cat-nap’ that turns into him sleeping through cleaning the dishes and your mom threatening a divorce, some relaxation-enhancing drugs may be at play. Daddy blames it on the Turkey, but could he be hiding something stronger?

Here are 3 tips to distinguish whether it’s the tryptophan or Xanny keeping your family relaxed while Uncle Tom talks about tax reform.

  1. Look for that glaze

We’re not talking about glaze on the pies. Red, bloodshot eyes? Glossy stare into the abyss? That’s not the turkey.

Culprit- XANAX


  1. Pass the salt

Is your grandma super salty about how no one dresses up for Thanksgiving like they did during the depression? Or will she not stop whining about how that nice Tebow boy is no longer the most famous kneeling football player? Don’t worry, sweet ol’ granny isn’t popping Xanny. Xanax relaxes people. Only poultry related chemicals can make a person so cranky about your untucked Gap shirt. Cranky fam = no xan.

Culprit- TURKEY


  1. Pass the Potatoes

Your mom usually asks about your job search twice a day but doesn’t bring it up ONCE during desert, even when your cousin mentions his killer new job at a boutique dog collar startup. Is your mom full or turkey or barred the fuck out? Only one way to tell. Throw mashed potatoes into her pretty little face and watch for her reaction. Is she mad? Turkey. Chill? Xanax. But when she laughs and takes a picture….?



Hope this helped! Remember- Thanksgiving is a stressful time. But it’s also a time to reflect on the past year, appreciate your health and happiness, and connect with your family. Be kind. You never know who in your family might be as high as Snoop Dogg’s ballsack.


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