Fitts Dresses as Coke Machine in Latest Attempt at Making Friends

Although the new LBC smell has already faded, Tulane has decided to pompously celebrate its renovated food court four weeks into school with decorative balloons and a coke machine that gives you free soda in exchange for hugs.

Our favorite President Michael “Hugs a lot” Fitts has decided to get in on these sweet embraces by dressing up as a Coke machine. “My mom is always telling me to put myself out there, so I figured hanging out in the social hub of campus wearing a boxy replica of a vending machine would be the perfect way to do just that.”

Upon learning that the reason students were hugging the machine was to get a free Coke, Fitts adapted quickly, giving away scholarships to anyone who tells him to “bring ‘er here!” In addition, Fitts rewards selfies with free city diner milkshakes, and those who dry his tears and give him a pat on the head earn a Master’s in Social Work.


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