Escaped “Senioritis” Patient Recovered After Infecting Several Happy Hours

After a chaotic chase that involved police, doctors, and paramedics scouring greater New Orleans metropolitan area for an escaped patient suffering from “Senioritis,” the victim was finally found at a happy hour in the Lower Garden District drinking a nice saison beer.

The patient, who requested her name not be shared due to “being so fucking over it,” and whose name is Madi Nougat, has been suffering from the debilitating disease since August, 2014.

According to the Louisiana Department of Health, Senioritis has a wide range of symptoms, including but not limited to: prolonged bouts of ‘casual, but not too crazy’ drinking, sleeping until 10:30, bringing wine to class, eating Felipe’s whenever a patient goddamn wants to, scoffing at freshmen at The Boot, and making out with said freshmen at The Boot.

The Vignette talked to New Orleans Dept. of Public Health epidemiologist, Stephen F. Confounder regarding the severity of the disease and the escaped patient. “Senioritis is no laughing matter. Every year, up to 5,000 youths in the greater New Orleans area fall victim to the disease. And every year, people like Madi Nougat go and expose the disease to the population at various happy hours, wine bars, ‘the fly,’ and area porches at 3pm. Its absolutely reckless and irresponsible.”

Nougat was reached on her friend’s cool roof for a reply. “What-thefuck-ever, he’s probably just some kid who just took Intro to Public Health and thinks he’s an expert,” said Nougat, referring to the professional epidemiologist. “Anyways, I’m already late to meet Lindsay and John at The Blind Pelican for oyster happy hour, so I really don’t need to hear about this from a guy who is essentially a child.”

Madi Nougat was last seen blowing off her Intro to Acting class and sneaking champagne into orange juice at Satsuma Café before bleeding out of her eyes, vomiting blood, and collapsing due to a secondary infection of Ebola virus.

 

ANY AND ALL CASES OF SENIORITIS should be reported to the New Orleans Department of Health, which can be reached at 504-568-8313, or the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).


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