Donnie Waltham’s DEFINITIVE “Best Sandwich Ever” List

Hey there. Hey! Hey you! What the fuck? What the fuck are you eating? A sandwich? You’re calling that a fucking sandwich? Fuck you! Thats not a sandwich! That’s an abortion between two slices of yeast infection. Fuck off. There are only three sandwiches in this world:

  1. The Reuben sandwich. Does that abomination you’re stuffing down your fat gullet have cheese, pastrami, rye bread, thousand island dressing, and sauerkraut? Does your goddamn “sandwich” have any of those fucking ingredients? No? Fuck you! Go eat a dick!
  2. The BLT. It only takes three ingredients to make a good sandwich. If you need any more than that you are worse than every dictator. Except Leopold II. That guy knew how to fucking run things. But you, you can fuck off, you venereal disease. Bacon. Scumbag. Lettuce. Douche. Tomato. Dickhead. Bread. Where are those strippers.
  3. The Cuban sandwich. I don’t give a shit who’s in charge of that island. Fidel? Fuckdel, thats more like it. That bearded whore doesn’t know anything about anything. Except these god damn sandwiches. This guy is a genius. A true visionary. Pulled pork, ham, cheese, onions, bread. Press until flat. Goes great with a salad. But what the fuck do you know? You parasitic tapeworm. You waste of oxygen. Jesus, are you awful.

Do you see? Do you see now? You are dirt. You are FUCKING dirt. I swear to all that is holy don’t you ever look at another sandwich ever again. Stick to your risotto. Or whatever the fuck you eat. Fuck you.

Hey, does anyone have any more coke?

Donnie Waltham is the Tulane Vignette’s sandwich correspondent, and has been working at Jimmy John’s for three years.


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